The President and Me

The other day I found myself working out alone in the company gym, not sure why but maybe because it was after work on a Friday afternoon and everyone else went to go hang out with their friends and I don't have any. But anyways, I decided I needed musical company, so I flipped around the radio until I came to some classical station. Working out to classical music might be the single best thing in my life. It makes me feel like I am in a movie - a dark comedy about a lonely person working out to classical music on a Friday afternoon with no plans for the rest of the night.

This is kind of what I looked like.

Being alone in the gym made me feel a little bit more adventurous. I walked around and examined the funny contraptions that I usually keep away from in the company of others for obvious reasons. I decided on a machine called The Abductor, which seems appropriately and inappropriately named at the same time. I studied the diagram that showed a figure sitting in the position in which one assumes when giving birth. And so I did exactly that. After a couple reps, I couldn't take myself seriously anymore so I quit The Abductor and began working on my lack of abs. Mid-crunch, someone stormed into the gym and with my sweaty eye I caught a glimpse of none other than the president and CEO of the company. This was my first time seeing him in person and had just earlier in the day been Photoshopping his face onto various computer monitors for an online conference advertisement. I tried not to stare, but it was hard not to especially when all your co-workers and their bosses and bosses of bosses had been whispering about him for the past forever.


So as the classical music blared on the overhead speakers, I tried to continue my crunches as undweebishly as possible while I kept a close peripheral eye on the president (who upon entering the gym, bee-lined for the dumbbells and proceeded to grunt and pump his arms in a very mechanical manner). Well there went my really fantastic idea of going up and introducing myself to him, so I came up with an even more fantastic idea! Going on the Stairmaster! An exercise machine that I suck at! I stepped on (with good knowledge that my past experiences with the Stairmaster have all ended in pitiful failure) and began to sink into the depths of dweebdom, while clawing at the handlebars for my life. I regained composure after something along the lines of Bill Murray at the gym in Lost in Translation and started stepping away like a baus! Though I learned today that I was still doing it completely wrong - how does one fuck up so badly on the Stairmaster?? Such is the mystery of life.

After ten minutes of pretending to beast on the damn machine, I ducked out of the gym and breathed ten sighs of relief. I think I made a really good first impression on the president.