How not to make friends at work (and in life)

Making friends is overrated. More often than never, people suck, so just do yourself a favor and eliminate any chance you have of becoming buddies with people at work. While being a complete d*** (dick) is the easiest way to maintain your friendless state, it is crucial that you avoid that route for business purposes. Keep your friend-repellent tactics subtle and manipulate others into thinking that they don't want to be friends with you, not the other way around.

1. Go on the Stairmaster and try to talk to people while you're on it. You will start to sink and grab wildly at the handlebars. Any potential friends will quietly excuse themselves from the "conversation" and you will never hear from them again.

2. Browse funny things on your phone that you know will make you laugh while you are on the toilet. If there aren't people in the stalls already, someone is bound to walk into the bathroom while you are mid-laugh. You will be forced to have awkward interactions with them at the sink afterwards.

Sorry this photo is so big. Actually no, I'm not sorry.

3. Sit outside the entrance of the building after you workout. Take off your shoes and socks and pick at the sock lint between your toes. Make eye contact with anyone who walks by during this time. This is a guaranteed no-friends strategy.

4. Get Indian food for lunch.

5. When you're in your car heading home, roll down the windows and blast some Adele (any song will do; in this case I like "Someone Like You" the best). Sing along to this song with all that you've got. This usually is most effective if you suck at singing and only know every couple words or so: "I hate to show upmmm bum dumm...but I mmmmmbummmdummmmbmmmy face mmmbbbmmmu but for meeeeeeeee it isn't ooooverNEVERMIND I'LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOU. I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOUUUUUU TooOOOOOOO"


This concludes the short, but potent list of how not to make friends. If anyone still persists on trying to be your friend after you complete the above steps, then kindly let them into your life.