Maximizing your work day (part I)

If work for you is intense, busy, and exciting then feel free to navigate away from this page. If not, here are some tips that you should start following to ensure a better work day.

The toilet is your best (if not only) friend at work.
This is an obvious practice that has been in effect for many centuries in offices all across the world. The concept of "getting paid to poop" is an age-old strategy that if you have not yet utilized and are not interested in utilizing, then just leave because everything on this site will hurt you. Anyways, learning how to maximize your time with your bff4l, Toilet, is crucial.

Step 1: Have coffee in the morning.
Coffee poops, enough said. Try to also have breakfast so that you are forced to spend more time on the toilet and less time in that comfortable office chair.


Step 2: Drink lots of water throughout the day.
No one wants you to pee your pants, especially you. So if mother nature says it's time to rain, then let it pour. Use a small water bottle (I have a 12 oz. one from work orientation that I kept) to maximize the amount of trips you have to make to the water cooler. On average, I make about six trips to the water cooler (which unfortunately is right outside of my cubicle) and about four non-poop trips to the bathroom.

*Fun game for those fortunate enough to have a water cooler located further away from your work station: pretend that you are on an adventure and that you are dying of thirst, figure out all the different routes you can take to get water - once you make it to the water cooler, fill your water bottle, chug it, then refill. If you are feeling particularly dickish, drink out of your bottle as you make your way back to your station and finish before you get there. Turn around and refill.


Step 3: Have a high-fiber lunch.
Try a main course with an exciting side of salad. I have a salad almost everyday at work and I put a lot of exciting things inside like carrots, beans, sunflower seeds, dried cranberries, broccoli, spinach, etc. Your cafeteria's salad bar may have fun surprises everyday (mine does) so be sure to check it out. This high-fiber lunch will ensure a mid-afternoon poop, if not an immediate post-lunch poop.


Stay tuned for part II.